


jonathan francis crocker

by ivyxwrites



Series: JohnDave Week 2020 [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Timeline (Homestuck), Day 3 - Movies/Stargazing, Gen, JohnDave Week, JohnDave Week 2020, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Scratch (Homestuck), okay alpha timeline AU, tags are difficult for this, where john and jade are the strilonde's age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyxwrites/pseuds/ivyxwrites
Summary: You know what the tabloids will look like tomorrow when you arrive at your movie premier with Jonathan Francis Crocker on your arm.orFamous movie director, David E. Strider, arrives at his own premier with famous comedian John Crocker by his side. People talk.
Relationships: Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, John Egbert & Jade Harley & Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider, Poppop Crocker | Alpha John Egbert/Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider
Series: JohnDave Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820341
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	jonathan francis crocker

**Author's Note:**

> So, here we are. This was planned for day 3 of the JohnDave week, but I couldn't finish it on time and then I sat on it for a very long time after my beta checked through it because I'm dumb?? But, better late than ever! I chose the prompt "movie" from this day because it gave me the perfect opportunity to write something for my alpha timeline AU that you can pry off my cold, dead hands. I know the beta kids had to take their guardians' place in the alpha timeline, but to be quite honest?? I hated that John and Dave couldn't meet each other in this timeline so I said FUCK IT, like I always do, and alpha timeline AU was born. 
> 
> A huge thank you to Lyssa, my beta, who continues to pull through on every single one of my works by checking them over even if, like I've said a thousand times already, she doesn't know about Homestuck. She left some really sweet-ass comments on this one particular piece, and I felt really good about my writing. Also, to Paula, who hears me talk about alpha timeline AU too often for it to be healthy. She's honestly best and deserves the world. 
> 
> Without further ado: alpha timeline AU. Enjoy!

You know what the tabloids will look like tomorrow when you arrive at your movie premier with Jonathan Francis Crocker on your arm. 

  
  


Photographers go fucking insane at the sight of the Crocker heir’s arm wrapped around yours, and you pose for a few pictures, but don’t answer any of the questions. Your asshole of a date giggles in response when someone at the door asks him if you’re dating, and he tells them to get Netflix to endorse him so he can have a comedy special, where he is sure to tell the world the truth. 

  
  


Last week he’d outed your relationship at his usual club to a crowd of unsuspecting patrons that were left in stitches when he got to his punchline, as usual. It was seamless and effortlessly done, which only made the whole thing charming rather than shocking. Some small newspapers and media outlets had talked about it, but it hadn’t been quite as public as what you were doing today, holding hands where everyone and their mother could see you. 

  
  


“How much do you want to bet that people are already writing articles?” you ask him when you finally make it to your table, a round thing that holds eight people but you only reserved for four, “Buzzfeed is probably already making a quiz about us.” 

  
  


John laughs, taking his glasses off to wipe at them with the bright, red napkin you chose for the venue, “What would that quiz even be about, dork?” 

  
  


You shrug, “I don’t know, man. Buzzfeed does what Buzzfeed wants to do.” 

  
  


Your boyfriend (and god, yes. Hell fucking yes.) rolls his eyes as he presses his glasses back onto his face. There’s a bit of a scuffle there, as he tries to avoid the right leg from cracking again like it did last week (he fixed the damned things with a  _ toothpick  _ rather than taking them to the optic), and you can’t help but smile fondly at him. He’s such a huge idiot, and yet you can’t help but adore him.

  
  


“Don’t sit there and stare at me,” Crocker huffs, crossing his arms across his chest, cheeks flushed, “Were you a vulture in another life?” 

  
  


“Of course he was,” Rose’s voice interrupts you before you can answer, the writer coming to sit to the right of you, “With that terrible eyesight and his stupid shades, he must’ve done something horrible as a vulture.” 

  
  


She’s wearing a lovely lilac dress, a white coat draped elegantly over her shoulders before Jade, ever the great dame, comes to take it from her. Her lips are painted black, as they always are, and her ears shine silver with big hoops and an odd assortment of piercings. She looks absolutely dashing and you tell her so. 

  
  


“I think if Dave was anything in a past life,” Jade continues, her black dress shimmering beautifully under the soft lights as she circles the table to sit on her brother’s left side, “He was a corvid.” 

  
  


“Because I’m very intelligent?” 

  
  


“Because you like shiny things, sugar,” John’s hand finds yours on the table, and you pout, “Don’t look at me like that, you absolutely love shiny things. You hoard shiny things in your room-- _ and _ in Dirk’s room.” 

  
  


Suddenly, you remember you have a kid at home that’s waiting on you, “Wait, I have to call Dirk.” 

  
  


John laughs again, shaking his head, “I’ve already texted him we’ve arrived at the venue, but you’re welcome to call your son if it will grant you peace of mind.” 

  
  


“I dropped Roxy off at your house,” Rose pipes in, nibbling at one of the centerpiece Doritos, “Dirk seemed excited to have the house to himself, free of helicopter parents that won’t stop  _ nagging _ .” 

  
  


“Oh, Rosie,” Jade giggles, “if anyone is a nagging mother, it would be you.” 

  
  


Before the writer can bite back that that is not true, you stand up from your seat, taking your phone out from your breast pocket. John offers you a quick smile, and you walk a little ways away from the table and the general noise of celebrities and other guests so that you can call Dirk at home. You end up close-by to the kitchen, and your phone rings once, twice, three times, before the beep cuts out and Roxy’s voice comes on. 

  
  


“ _ Hello, Mister Strider! _ ” she squeals, and you wonder if she’s gotten her hands on the vodka stash behind your bed that you keep around for Rose, “ _ To what do I owe the pleasure of your call? _ ” 

  
  


“I’m just making sure you’re both alright,” you answer, trying to play it cool and not like the helicopter parent Rose says you are, “Everything cool at  _ casa de Strider _ ?”

  
  


“ _ You know, Uncle Dave, _ ” Roxy begins, and you can almost imagine her smiling devilishly because she’s a menace to society, “ _ You can always tell me you’re not interested in talking to me and ask me to put D-Stri on the phone. _ ” 

  
  


“Just get me my bro on the line, Rox.”

  
  


The girl simply giggles, but it draws further away when she (hopefully) hands the phone off to your little brother, “ _ Sup? _ ” 

  
  


“Hey, man,” you say, cool as a cucumber, “how’s it going?” 

  
  


“ _ Roxy and I are dismantling the microwave _ ,” Dirk answers, the little shit, “ _ Might go for your camera next. _ ” 

  
  


“Don’t go into my room and don’t touch my shit,” you remind him, “There will be hell to pay, Dirk Strider.” 

  
  


“ _ Yeah, well, _ ” Dirk’s voice sounds amused, “ _ I’m counting on Crocker to keep you entertained enough so I can scavenge your every electronic appliance to build my robot army. _ ” 

  
  


You bring a hand up to rub the bridge of your nose, your shades sliding up just a fraction with the movement, but there’s a smile on your face, “If robots take over the world, Roxy and you will be the only ones to blame.” 

  
  


“ _ Stop worrying about me and pay attention to your own premier, please. _ ” 

  
  


“Caught again,” you answer, and finally drop your hand back to your side--a waiter looks at you funny when he walks out of the kitchen, “Go to sleep at an appropriate time. If I come home and you and Roxy are hopped up on sleep deprivation, I’m not stopping Rose from grounding you both until next month.” 

  
  


“ _ God, just leave me alone, Bro, _ ” Dirk whines, and you smile, “ _ Go make goo-goo eyes at Crocker. The house won’t catch on fire suddenly. _ ” 

  
  


“Knowing you, it could.” 

  
  


After cussing you out and declaring you to be the worst parent in existence, Dirk finally hangs up the phone. It sounds like Roxy and he were up to no good (and you were certain they’d be awake when you and the rest finally made it home), but there’s not much else you can do about it. You strike up pleasant conversation with Ben just as you’re coming back to your table, and the man congratulates you on your new relationship. 

  
  


You return to your seat with the smallest of smiles on your face. 

  
  


“How goes the helicoptering?” John asks, smiling cheekily at you, “House on fire yet?” 

  
  


“Yeah, firefighters are on their way,” you shrug, “Seems like there are no survivors.” 

  
  


“Ah, such a pity,” Rose sighs despondently to your right, and Jade laughs across from you, “And here I thought I’d have a daughter when I went home.” 

  
  


“No such luck,” you answer her, grabbing your own Dorito to munch on, “You’re now orphaned. Or whatever the word for childless mother should be. Jade, is there a word for that?” 

  
  


The science tycoon makes a face, “What are you asking me for? I’m not the writer.” 

  
  


“I’d be a bereaved mother,” Rose points out, “but I don’t think there’s a specific word for that.” 

  
  


John, who has pulled his phone out of his pocket to tap away at it, hums, “It says here ‘vilomah’ is a sanskrit word used to represent a parent who has lost their children. Means ‘against the natural order’.” 

  
  


“Nerd.” You tease him, poking his ribs, to which he laughs and slaps your hand away. 

  
  


“You wanted a word, I gave you a word, jerk.” He counters, and sticks his tongue out at you, because he’s an adult. 

  
  


You bicker until you’re all screaming at each other, a common occurrence that scares your other guests but that dies out as fast as it started. The movie should be starting up anytime soon, so when the celebrity you invited to introduce you steps to the podium in the stage, you pull out the speech your manager wrote for you and decide in a split second that you’re absolutely not gonna read it. 

  
  


“Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen,” Miss Adams says, “I introduce to you the genius behind all of this--David E. Strider!” 

  
  


Applaus roars in your ears, and John pats your back before you leave the table, showing you a quick thumbs up as a sign of support. Someone clicks a picture off to your side, and you’re a 100% sure there’s gonna be a headline somewhere saying John Crocker is the most supportive boyfriend to have ever existed--you won’t even try to deny it. As you near the stage, Jade wolf whistles at you, something that only mildly embarrasses you, but not as much as Rose (stupid, stupid Rose) yelling at you to marry her like she does on every single one of this goddamned things. 

  
  


As the praise subsides, you make sure your shades are in the right position, and you begin talking. 

  
  


“Tonight’s a special occasion for me,” you begin, “Usually, you know my friend, Rose Lalonde, always comes with me to these things to yell her obscenities at me because she’s obsessed with me, but today’s premier is a little different.” 

  
  


Reporters all get their pen, papers, and recorders ready, your celebrity friends all turn to take quick glances at John, sitting at your table where he is none the wiser. He is smiling that soft smile of his that you love so much, all adoration and bright eyes staring right at you, not missing a single beat of your existence. Rose had said his element had been the wind, once upon a time, and it occurred to you maybe that’s why he always knocked it out of you with a single look. 

  
  


“As usual, this movie goes out to my little brother, the first one to realize my work is absolute trash and become my biggest critic,” you smile fondly, knowing Dirk’s probably watching this live, “One day, he’s going to be a much bigger deal than I am and you will all forget about this stupid kid from Texas that made weird-ass movies.” 

  
  


You hope he gets the chance to become a much bigger deal than you. You don’t add that to your already cheesy speech. 

  
  


“Tonight, two new people are joining me to celebrate one more bullshit movie,” you continue, “My friend Jade English, scientific extraordinaire and badass entrepreneur lady, who has funded enough of my garbage that most of my awards belong to her, anyways,” you catch the tail-end of Jade’s laugh after everyone else’s has subsided, and you swallow, steeling yourself to make it all real. 

  
  


“And my boyfriend,” you can hear the murmurs and the scratching of pencil on paper, “John Crocker, who you all just saw me come in with, so I don’t know what you’re so surprised about, really. He’s a fantastic man, one of the greats. He’s talented, humble and kind, and so out of my league it sounds like a joke, but I’m thankful he’s blind enough to not see he could do much better than me. It’d be stupid of me to say that what I like most about him is that he makes me laugh, because he’s  _ literally _ a comedian, but that’s exactly what he does everyday.”

  
  


You catch glassy blue eyes from a distance. John is reaching to take off his glasses so he can rub the tears away, the absolute baby, and you smirk because that’s the kind of reaction you wanted from him. There’s so much you can say about him on stage, but you wish you could tell him what a special person he truly is. Before you get off, you add one last line to your speech, the secret code that Jade always adds to your every presentation, and hope the rest of the rebellion is listening (you know they are). 

  
  


“Anyways,” you finally finish, “enjoy this steaming piece of garbage, right from the metaphorical oven of hell. Make sure you tell Ben and Owen how much you love them in this, because they’re essentially the only thing keeping the franchise aloft,” a lie, you know, people in Hollywood eat up your bullshit with no care, “And don’t forget to brush your teeth or whatever tonight.” 

  
  


You come down from the stage to thunderous applause and Rose’s declaration of eternal love backed up by Jade’s squealing. John’s voice is conspicuously absent from the fray, but when you finally make it back to the table, he’s standing, waiting for you. As soon as you approach, your mouth open around the words that never come (whatever it was, it was gonna be dirty), John has his hands on your face and he’s pulling you in for a less than innocent kiss. Jade’s giggle is high pitched in your ear and Rose’s expression of disgust is drowned out by your own beating heart. 

  
  


(The next morning, you have a new death threat, courtesy of the evil fish overlord, but the tabloids can’t talk about anything else but the kiss. Dirk says it’s gross when he hands you the paper across the breakfast table, but he eats his pancakes happily, thanking John for the food. Roxy, Rose and Jade stay in your loft for longer than necessary, and the six of you pile around the living room TV to watch one of John’s stupidly horrible movies. 

  
  


He wraps his arms around you on the couch and you don’t worry about the next battle.) 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so, this universe is also pretty well thought out already! I have like 18 pages worth of John Crocker-centric backstory because I love John Crocker and of course alpha timeline AU would be on his POV because I adore him with every piece of my heart. I also have an ending scene (not written) but it's angsty, so I'm still trying to find an alternate ending. Here are some little tid-bits I do know about alpha timeline AU: 
> 
> -Rose, Dave and Jade remember some of SBURB. Rose more than the other two, but Dave has a gist of it, and Jade a little bit less. John remembers much much much less than his friends, but some subconscious part of him knows it. When Jade explains it to him, as far fetched as it sounds, he believes her. 
> 
> -My John Crocker uses a lot of the real John Mulaney monologues, but curiously, John Mulaney also exists in this AU jsjsjs they have a fun rivalry, but they're good friends, too. Mulaney is actually the one that eventually leads John to his sister, who left Crocker Manor when they were 16. 
> 
> -Also, I fucked with the years because I'm lazy and can't be bothered to do research on 2011. Like, sure I was alive then and had a consciousness, but nah, son. We're going with 2019. Which is why John's like "tell Netflix to PAY ME" cause he's a little shit. 
> 
> -This AU's name is "little spies and cake rebels" and I'm very proud of it, okay? 
> 
> -The JohnDave in this AU is exquisite. It's full of adoration and devotion and cheesy-ass phrases and a lot of staring into each other's eyes. I really love this particular brand of JohnDave, tbh. 
> 
> -Jake and Jane? I honestly wish I could tell you. I love them both, but I have no idea what the right way to add them might be. I toyed with the idea of Jane and Jake literally being John and Jade's children rather than their grandchildren, but then I never decided. Might fuck around and add them later, maybe. Like Dirk and Roxy are around 8-9 in this, so they'd be older than Jane and Jake (by a LOT) but I like John as a dad, ok? 
> 
> -This AU is also an excuse to get out my Mamma Condesce & John Crocker feels because??? Because shut up that's why.
> 
> -This AU might also be a product of me obsessively listening to [PhemieC's The Path, an alpha Dave and Rose fansong](https://youtu.be/YnsLq_bIycU) because I love it very much and I did listen to it obsessively when I got back into the fandom. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed some silly alpha guardians in love!


End file.
